Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and all of them smell like shit (besides for Papa Schu’s of course). These are the rants from November.
Minor Rants for November
-Pooping directly after a shower*
-Watching a movie for the first time and someone saying, “Hey Papa Schu watch this part,” throughout the entire movie
-Being in debt during a recession
-Period blood
-Not liking Sublime**
-Not knowing spanish***
-Fantasy football
-Farmville
-Vertical business cards
-The cold
*PS really hates this
**That is just un-American
***PS really loves the women on Telemundo
Airplane Travel
Papa Schu loves to travel but unfortunately, other people like it too. Here are some rants on plane traveling:
The Pilot
Every time PS goes on a trip, the pilot always brings up conversation that NOBODY cares about in a detailed log, ie:
“Sorry for the delay, we are experiencing maintenance issues and will take off shortly.”
Maintenance issues? What the fuck does that mean? Go get some bubble gum and masking tape and fix it?
“I am sorry for the inconvenience but we are currently 7th in line taxiing. We will be up in the air in 19 minutes. I am going to shut down the engines to conserve fuel.”
What? Conserve fuel? Why the fuck does PS want to hear that? This is just going to make everybody paranoid that we might not have enough fuel to make it to our destination.
“We are flying at altitude of 5,000 feet with a slight southwest wind. If you look to the right you will see a cumulus cloud and to the left the Pacific Ocean. We are about 532 miles away from San Francisco.”
Does PS care about any of these items?
*All of these are actual quotes from a pilot (all on the same trip).
Papa Schu the Pilot
If Papa Schu was a pilot, the flight experience would be totally different. Instead of these comments stated above, the incorporation of humor would be involved in every plane ride:
-Start making fun of said location*
-Make up facts about flying**
-Sing The Wheels on the Bus
-Get out of the cockpit to greet the passengers during turbulence and ask, “Who the hell is flying this thing?”
-Asking if anybody knew of a good bar at the destination
-Talk about going back in time when entering different time zones
-”I wonder what the world record is for knee driving cause’ I think we are going to break it!”
*Flight 606 to Buffalo: Didn’t they lose 4 Super Bowls in a row?
*Flight 606 to Jacksonville: Forbes Magazine rated Jacksonville as the worst city to live in as a single. Thank God I am married.
*Flight 606 to Las Vegas: Be careful out there, 1 out of 2 native Las Vegasians have an STD or 1 out of 2 marriages file for divorce within 3 years.
**We are flying at 10,000 feet per second at an altitude of 2 billion inches.
The Middle Seat
PS hates to sit, or the people who sit in, the middle seat.
-The constant jockeying for armrest positioning (does the middle seat own both armrests?)
-If traveling alone, they feel forced to start a conversation**
*PS loves awkward conversations. Next time you are on a plane, talk to the person next to you but say something really awkward (like about serial killers) and see where the conversations goes.
** PS also has encountered an inappropriate conversation (engaging in a conversation about plane crashes), on a recent rendezvous. While casually flirting, a drunk lady brought up plane crash stories throughout the flight. After a few drinks which she paid, PS said, “Shut the fuck up about plane crashes.”
Other minor plane rants
-Overweight passengers (big enough to be touching other passengers)
-Smelly passengers
-Babies and real old people (both go hand in hand with smelly passengers)
-The Stewardess waking you up for your drink selection
-Landing
Awkward Holiday Moments
Papa Schu lives for the awkward moments in life; unfortunately some holiday moments really cannot be avoided. PS will give you some advice on how to best avoid these events.
Phone calls to relatives you don’t really talk to
(Just pass the phone to the nearest family member)
Receiving a gift with no use
(Rewrap said item and give it to someone else)
Not knowing what to give as a gift
(Tie for a man, candle for a woman, toy truck for a boy, doll for a girl—donezo)*
Spending a holiday with another family with religious, racial or cultural differences
(This is an easy one. Bring up the differences in whatever category and promote your ideologies as superior)
Being asked the same question from family members that really pisses you off**
(Just make up lies, and make someone else feel bad in your family—the family member that always fucks up)
*If you ever get one of these gifts, consider yourself not important from whoever the giver is
**Such questions include:
-Are you seeing anybody? (Usually by a mother who thinks their child is perfect)
-Something about schooling or career
Quote of the Ranting Period
“Just went grimy style on those Mutant Slick Willy’s chicks”
-Papa Schu
If it smells bad, taste it
