Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and all of them smell like shit, besides for Papa Schu’s (of course). These are the rants from September.
Smiley Text Messages (Guy to Guy)
If you know Papa Schu, he hates text messages. After receiving a text with a smiley face from a male friend this week, Papa Schu’s Gay-dar went off the wall. If you have any questions about your sexual preference and you send smiley face text messages or don’t mind receiving them from your male friends, I will like to inform, you my friend ARE a homosexual.**
*Not like there is anything wrong with it. (© Seinfeld)
*According to some religions there is something wrong with it.
*Papa Schu religion is Seinfeld.
Papa Schu’s thoughts:
- Will accept smiley face texts, no matter what gender or sexual preference. It helps with Papa Schu’s self-esteem issues.
Board Games
What happened to Board Game Night? With gaming systems being the craze and board games becoming less popular, the Board Game Night has become an event of the past. Papa Schu just wants to get a group of 6 people and play RISK, stoned once a month. Is that too much to ask?*
*Playing solo RISK is just not as fun. The yellow army keeps on winning.
Papa Schu’s thoughts:
- Other great games to play when you are fucked up: Stratego, Monopoly, SORRY and Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
Rich Hippies
Not only am I sick of going out and talking with these people about how being struggling artists/actor is very stressful, but the constant complaining about issues that do not, or will never, apply to their own well-being has put rich hippies on the rant list. Why the fuck does Papa Schu want to hear an opinion on how racist politics are, or how many how low-income people have no say in government, from white guy who lived most of his life in a rich suburb?* Go take your Ivy League education and shove it up your ass (not to mention the rent your parents pay for and your trust fund).
*The points of the argument might be valid but unfortunately, the rich hippie read it out of a book and never experienced it.
The biggest knock on majority of these rich hippies, is, unlike their predecessor (the Hippies of the 60’s and 70’s who fought for social equity and revolution is nonexistent), have anything really significant to bitch/protest about. Let us not forget that most of these hippies have cause gentrification in major cities all over the US, thus displacing many people.** Thank you rich hippies for destroying many neighborhoods all over the US.
** If you don’t know what gentrification is, read a book.
Are all Rich Hippies, Yuppies? Yep.
Are all Yuppies, Rich Hippies? No.
Papa Schu’s thoughts
- Hippies wearing $300 pants…. WTF?
- Why the fuck are you wearing flip-flops in the rain?
- Hippies in low dosages are not a bad thing. We should implement some sort of population control, like what we do with deer, with hippies. When too many hippies gather in one location, we should just start eliminating them.
- Hippies smell.
Steroids
Who gives two fucks about steroids? I miss seeing homeruns go 600 feet. Lets juice them with all kinds of drugs (horse steroids included), to help them become mutants of human beings for our enjoyment. This is not limited to baseball or males; I would also love to see women’s gymnastics implement mandatory steroid injections.* Imagine Dwight Howard on ‘roids, not only would he jump higher, but he would be more inclined to fight!
*Jacked girls give Papa Schu a ¾ chubby.
Papa Schu’s thoughts
- We watch sports for OUR entertainment, so let’s do it right.
Fantasy Football
Papa Schu sucks at this, enough said. Every year Papa Schu’s team gets hurt within the first two weeks.
Abortion Protesters
Papa Schu’s stance does not matter in this rant. Everyday, while going to work, Papa Schu passes a corridor with Pro-Life protestors standing outside a women’s clinic. I would say most people understand both sides of the spectrum when it comes to this topic. With this, does Papa Schu really have to see dead baby pictures at 9 am everyday? Fucking really. Since the protestors arrived, Papa Schu has lost 15 pounds (he can’t eat in the morning) and has a temporary state of Erectile Dysfunction for 4 hours.*
*A diet book will be coming out in the near future titled, Easy Way to Diet: The Papa Schu Way.
Papa Schu’s thoughts:
- Papa Schu is Pro-Choice.
Papa Schu’s quote for Ranting Period (October):
Outside the office two people are arguing:
- “Get the fuck out of my life!”
- “I’ve been out of your life!”
- “Fuck that….You just sucked my dick yesterday.”
-Papa Schu
If it smells bad, taste it.
COUNT IT!